If I say something remotely harmful to someone it’s like an arrow to my own chest.
I will sit and repent for hours (or days) and apologize profusely.
I will even remember it 5 years later.
It’s a nightmare to me.
I am so scared of hurting people I love.
My parents have done so much for me.
My parents have always said, “Do what you can,” “wanna watch a movie with us?” or “Don’t study so hard, “ during finals week, haha.
They’ve been so supportive and have struggled so much to get to where they are today.
The last thing I would want is to let them down. I feel like I’m failing already… Am I trying hard enough?
Gosh I am so so awkward ahaha.
I cannot even.
Sometimes, there are crickets in conversations.
And I don’t want to be that extrovert that’s insecure about awkwardness and yaps forever leaving the other person with no chance to join the conversation. So I just leave it silent.
And a symphony of crickets ensue trampling over the little self-esteem I had.
To be honest I am insecure about a million things but one of them does have to be me being childish.
I love it. I love being a child.
But I also know that I must come off as annoying.
One time someone behind my back said, “She must be fake. There’s no way anyone can be that nice or happy. She’s so sickly sweet.”
I also feel insecure about it myself.
I feel like society always pushes us to grow up fast.
I hate that when I was 14 all my friends wanted to be or acted 21.
I’m so scared of being trapped and unhappy.
I’ve realized that freedom is one of the most important things to me.
Being able to journey wherever the wind takes me.
Letting the wind blow through my hair.
Breathing in the scent of dewy grass. Aware of my beating heart in each moment.